Parenting Tips for the Remarried...

Parenting after Remarriage... Many of today’s families will experience the challenges brought about by remarriage. When there are children involved, whether they are resident or visit only periodically, “his, hers, or theirs,” stepfamily dynamics are likely to be very different because of the often unspoken expectations each side brings to the new unit. Here are a few observations that may give you some insight into stepfamily interactions and some tips that may help you with your future parenting efforts. Using a term like “blended family” may be trendy, but it is inaccurate and sometimes hurtful. It can set up unrealistic expectations and make the necessary adjustments more difficult than they need to be. Stepfamilies do not “blend”; the children in these families do not lose their individuality or their emotional attachment to the non-custodial parent. The new unit does not wipe away prior relationships and usually does not sever all connections to the absent parent. Children in these families may actively resist any inference that the stepfamily is to be considered their primary family and thus entitled to their full attention and loyalty. 1. It is preferable if the original parents can agree on basic rules of behavior and adhere to them in both residences, but if that ideal is beyond possibility at this moment, do not give up on setting rules for the new household in which YOU are operating. 2. Children are capable of learning and functioning under differing sets of rules in different circumstances. You need only think of children involved in sports to realize this truth. Children use one set of rules to play baseball, another set for football, another set for basketball and yet another set for soccer or volleyball. Most individuals are capable of recognizing that different types of apparel are worn when they go to different environments – religious services vs. the swimming pool vs. a dressy or formal celebration at school. Switching between custodial and non-custodial households can also be routine if you plan for it in advance and structure your own rules accordingly. 3. Remember that a stepfamily will generally not function like a traditional family. Seek out sources of information or educational opportunities that will help you understand the multiple dynamics that operate in stepfamily situations. (Educational handouts are available as well as the opportunity to schedule a group workshop series on this topic. Contact your local cdooperative extension office or land-grant university). 4. Realize that in the new stepfamily unit, there will be inevitable conflicts. The best way to deal with this potential hazard is for the parent and the new partner to jointly establish expectations of behavior that will apply in the new household. Deal with any conflicts promptly. 5. Remember that there are no ex-parents – only ex-spouses. You are a parent forever. Whether you are part of the custodial or non-custodial household unit, do not abdicate your parental obligation to maintain discipline. Children need guidelines and boundaries for their behavior, and it is natural for children to test those boundaries, whether they are residing within their original family or in a stepfamily environment. Without appropriate boundaries, they are at much greater risk of growing up to become undisciplined adolescents / adults. 6. Establish structure immediately. Reinstate the Four R’s – Roles, Rules, Responsibility, and Respect. The new couple needs to jointly establish these expectations, or the stepfamily household will become chaotic because of lack of leadership. 7. Establish a clear and precise schedule of visitation dates and times, etc. For young children, fifteen minutes of lateness feels like hours. Children of divorce have lots of issues with abandonment – waiting for a parent reminds the children of the old feelings of loss and further abandonment. Be on time and keep your promises to the children. 8. Be civil when dealing with your ex – he or she is still the children’s parent! Set up co-parenting agreements in writing. Be clear about all arrangements; be polite and consistent. Re-evaluate arrangements as school semesters and obligations change; re-evaluate the schedule again before summer vacation. Handle re-evaluations in advance – not at the last minute – everyone will benefit if upcoming schedules have a relative predictability. 9. Do not use the children as messengers for anything. Don’t pump the children for information after visits. If the children say, “Oh, dad let us stay up until 3 AM watching a movie,” you might say, “That is not what I would allow in my house, but dad makes the rules in his house.” 10. Don’t speak poorly of the other parent. It damages your children. It leads to confusion and conflicted feelings within the children. Use some emotional etiquette whenever relating to your ex within hearing of your children. Be civil and respectful. Be a good role model for desired manners or behavior. The children should NOT experience your negative feelings about your ex. If they ask you specific questions, respond to them in a truthful but neutral manner. When they are older, they will be better able to appreciate your mature approach to the relationship with their other parent(s) and their own feelings as children. The children know they have divided loyalties, and each parent must accept the reality that their children have “lots” of parents now. If both adults in the original family remarry or reside with other adult partners, the children are actually part of two distinct stepfamily units. They are no longer going to be part of a ‘traditional’ family structure; thinking in terms of an ‘expanded family model’ or an ‘extended family model’ will be more helpful to all involved. (Sources: Original articles from Better Kid Care Program, Penn State University; Jeannette Lofas, CSW, for Family Information Services, Minneapolis, MN; and Robert Hughes, Jr., Ph.D., Ohio State University.)

Food Safety 101: Safe Eating Tips for College Students

When college students return to campus for a new semester they have lots of things on their minds. Many are thinking about books, classes, football games, tailgate parties and food safety. Well, lets be honest, food safety is not on the minds of most college students. With all that is going on in their lives, food safety is probably the last thing students consider when grabbing a fast meal or reheating leftovers in the microwave. Mandel Smith, a Nutrition Educator with Penn State Cooperative Extension, says when students learn and practice good food safety habits, they can spend more time hitting the books and less time nursing themselves back to health after catching a nasty foodborne illness bug. Smith shares these basic food safety tips developed by the USDA's Meat and Poultry Hotline, and the Partnership for Food Safety Education. Clean Wash hands and surfaces often. Separate Keep raw meat, poultry and egg products from cooked foods to avoid cross-contamination. Cook Raw meat, poultry and egg products need to be cooked thoroughly. Use a food thermometer to ensure foods have reached a high enough temperature to kill any harmful bacteria that might be present. Chill Refrigerate promptly. “These four basic rules of Clean, Separate, Cook and Chill work well with college students or anyone that is interested in keeping their food safe” says Smith. Each year, the USDA’s Meat and Poultry Hotline receives calls from parents and students who have questions about food safety. Here is a sampling of those questions about how to safely cook and prepare foods while away at school. Q. Several slices of pizza have been left out overnight. Is the pizza still safe to eat?

A. No. Perishable food should never be left out of refrigeration more than two hours. This is true even if there are no meat products on the pizza. Foodborne bacteria that may be present on these foods grow fastest at temperatures between 40 and 140 °F and can double in number every 20 minutes. Other take-out or delivered foods such as chicken, hamburgers, cut fruit, salads, and party platters, must also be kept at a safe temperature. The rule is to "Keep HOT Food HOT and COLD Food COLD!" To keep hot foods safe, keep them at 140 °F or above. Cold food must be kept at 40 °F or below (in the refrigerator or freezer). Bacteria grow rapidly between 40 and 140 °F. Discard all perishable food left at room temperature longer than 2 hours; 1 hour in air temperatures above 90 °F. Use safely refrigerated food in 3 to 4 days; frozen leftovers, 1 to 2 months. Q. I am living off campus this year. My two roommates and I will be preparing our own meals. What do we need to know to cook food safely?

A. When using frozen meats, thaw them in the refrigerator - NOT on the counter. Don't allow raw meat or poultry juices to drip on other foods. Wash your hands before and after preparing foods. Always use clean paper towels. Wash used cutting boards and utensils in hot, soapy water. Use a food thermometer to check internal temperatures. Cook meat and poultry to the following safe minimum internal temperatures: Beef, veal, and lamb steaks, roasts, and chops may be cooked to 145 °F. All cuts of pork, 160 °F. Ground beef, veal and lamb to 160 °F. All poultry should reach a safe minimum internal temperature of 165 °F. If you feel food has not been handled safely, throw it out. Q. My daughter's college is only a four-hour drive away, so she comes home often. How can I safely pack home-cooked foods for her to take back to school?

A. For a four-hour drive, food must be handled properly to keep it safe from spoilage and pathogenic bacteria. Cooked foods should be divided into shallow containers and cooled in the refrigerator prior to the trip. To transport the food, place it in an insulated cooler packed with several inches of ice, frozen gel packs, or containers of frozen water. Add the cold containers of food from the refrigerator when she's ready to leave. Freezing foods prior to the return trip also helps keep food safe. Advise your daughter to refrigerate the food as soon as she arrives at college.

Tomato Tips

Nutrition Summer and fall find tomatoes from the garden and farm markets plentiful. Tomatoes are nutritious, providing a good source of Vitamin A, and an excellent source of Vitamin C and potassium. Tomatoes are also rich in lycopene, the antioxidant that is protective against cancer, particularly prostate cancer in men. Storage Store tomatoes at room temperature, out of direct sunlight. Unripe tomatoes can be placed in a paper bag to hasten ripening. At the end of the season, when frost is imminent, you can pick mature green tomatoes and store them for weeks in a dark, cool place. Place on a rack or individually wrapped in newspaper. Bring in to room temperature to ripen as needed. Preservation To further preserve tomatoes for future use, you can use a boiling water canner to process whole or halved tomatoes, tomato juice, salsa, plain tomato sauce or ketchup. Acidify with lemon juice or citric acid. For recipes that contain other vegetables, such as spaghetti sauce, a pressure canner must be used. Always use a standardized recipe from a reliable source and do not alter the ingredients. If the tomato product will be used in cooked form such as stews, soups or sauces, they can be frozen. Wash under cool running water, blot dry, and remove stem scar. To freeze with the skins on, place them on cookie sheets and freeze. Place into freezer bags or containers. To remove the skin, run warm water over the frozen tomato and the skin will slip right off. If you would prefer to remove the skins before freezing, blanch in boiling water for a minute until the skins split. Peel and freeze. Tomatoes can be frozen whole, chopped or pureed. Leave an inch of headspace for expansion in freezer container. Here is one of my favorite ways to use tomatoes and other late-summer vegetables. Spaghetti Salad 10 servings 1 # spaghetti 8 oz fat-free zesty Italian dressing ½ tsp oregano ½ tsp paprika ¼ tsp garlic powder 1 Tbsp sesame seeds 2 c vegetables, chopped (any combination of tomato, cucumbers, green peppers, celery, onion, etc) Cook spaghetti and drain. Add Italian dressing and stir thoroughly. Add spices, mixing continuously. Add vegetables and stir. Marinate in refrigerator overnight. For more information on food preservation of tomatoes and other foods, visit the Penn State website at http://foodsafety.cas.psu.edu/preserve.html